


Vertigo and the vast

by Usernamesarehardtocomeby



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usernamesarehardtocomeby/pseuds/Usernamesarehardtocomeby
Summary: I wrote this back in like season two so... Geez i hope it still sounds like a statement
Kudos: 1





	Vertigo and the vast

Statement of matilda cork regarding vertigo, statement taken January 5th, 2004.

Statement begins

Goodmorning gertrude! I suppose this will be my final act as a survivor, but I've always been rather fascinated with the idea of your patron, though I'm sure I would not survive in its clutches- thought it only fitting to wave goodbye from a statement about my own history!  
For as long as i could remember i was in love- head over heels in love with the idea of skydiving, falling off a high place out of a plane with nothing but the wind on my back and a thin sheet of cloth to keep me afloat. In all honesty i wasnt too surprised with what happened, heard its some of the others favorite tactics to sacrifice people, freefall and everything. In a way, i guess that puts my story in the range of cliche-tales-from-the-sky My mother in particular- see dad was never around- thought it was silly, to waste a perfectly good evening experiencing vertigo and weightlessness.. But i never really listened to her.. I guess- i guess if i did i wouldnt be here.. Writing to you about.. It.. i'm not entirely sure what to refer to it as anymore.. All the words tend to blend together now, though i'm sure if you could find me you would simply know what terms define this titan… before you ask- or.. Well if, you ask.. No, I've never met the others.. but i think i've seen the avatar with those lichtenberg things winding around his face before- i can't remember his name.. But back to what i know for sure- vertigo, the sickening feeling of no ground beneath you and no one to hear you. But i've never really been scared of hitting the ground.. It took my friend, Jamie, we used to jump together, good friend, lovely wife.. His parachute.. It took him.. Screaming and crying and afraid, next to me one second, gone the next.. They never found his body.. Its still up there I think, falling forever.. Screaming forever. Another body in the winds. I think of him a lot these days.. Wondering what i could've done to save him.. I feel almost responsible for it.. His death.. Death.. I've- i've always wanted to die.. On some level I guess, tried some things to get closer, smoked, vaped, didnt like how slashing my wrists felt the first time.. Don't know why I wasn't caught up in the reapers covent, figured I was just too in love with my adrenaline, my fear of going splat, too happy with the relaxing feeling of being stuck between space and the dirt. Id always wait till the last second to pull the parachute open, the last possible moment to pull on the flimsy string so i could live to see another day- until i decided i was tired of waiting for lung cancer to set in, for whatever chemical to finally release my grasp on this.. Unfortunate life.. Happened right before my mom died i think.. But i don't care.. Not really. So i readied my fall, made sure the string was cut too short, the parachute in shambles, all so i could finally.. Finally taste that one last touch of vertigo. Finally make it to the end- but the end wouldnt come, i waited, and waited, but i could not see the ground anymore- like the earth had been swallowed by some invisible thing and left the clouds to hang in the empty space.. It took hours for me to accept that i was never going to land, that i was never going to be able to kill myself- couldn't even get out of the sky.. Then the dread set in- i couldn't see anything else- couldn't feel anything but the same winds that had comforted me before.. I was up there for hours archivist, hours of weightless vertigo with no soul in sight.. I think i might've blacked out somewhere down the line, fainted or something, because the next thing i remember is hitting the dirt by my house as if i had simply tripped, my parachute landing behind me, still in tatters… i didnt honestly know what to think.. But i was curious, oh so curious about what it would do if i tried again.. And I did.. Several times actually, jumped off skyscrapers without anything to help break the fall, all with the same result.. Just.. peaceful vertigo as i waited for whatever it was to put me down again. I came to accept it was my fate, to stay in freefall until whatever it was decided it was over. I guess it was all an accident. I ended up serving the.. Sky? Endless- the vast.. That's what you all call it, the vast. It started as an experiment.. The tossing people off buildings.. Happened right after my first encounter, figured i couldn't be that special, figured there were others this thing would catch.. But none of them survived. But their screams were.. Well they filled me with the same vertigo I got freefalling through the emptiness of the sky.. But the euphoria didnt last.. I didnt.. Last.. i didnt want to live as a so called avatar, i didnt want to live as a murderer, i just, didnt want to live.. But i couldn't exactly jump myself now could i? I tried so many times, only to fail.. Jumped with at least three sacrifices, all in the hops it would take me as well.. Ah but alas, here we are.. But I did find something interesting- or, i guess it found me.. A solution i think.. A guy who swears he can kill any demon- known and unknown.. called himself a killer or hunter or something.. And after all, what are we but demons in the end Robinson? 

End statement..

**Author's Note:**

> *jazz hands* I relate too much to the vast as is


End file.
